Listen To Me, I Need Help. Hold me Tight, I am Falling.
Her hair was properly tied, pleated with clips here and there, as she hated the falling of her hair on her forehead. She was a girl of 24, big eyes, not so good figure, and a smile to fool everyone that she was really happy. Things were really going right according to her mind, but her heart was in constant tribulations. Samantha tried to forget, forgive, move ahead, work hard, succeeds! But, her heart was not allowing this.
She was fighting with it, and she crossed almost 2 years with this feelings. Samantha tried to speak, tried to convey her thoughts and she did, she did spoke her heart out, but she couldn’t do this. She said half and kept the rest inside! Whose fault was it?? Was it her own fault that she couldn’t speak? I mean, she had such a caring partner, a loving family, but still, she was lonely. Somewhere she wanted something, she desired something, she had hope, but she was lost. She was lost! Below is a conversation she had with her psychiatrist.
Inside the clinic-
Samantha walked into the clinic rapidly, she was breathing furiously. She went near the receptionist and asked her- “Ï need to talk with someone”
The receptionist- Ok maám and what is your problem??
She- Rubbing her forehead she fired, “I don’t know. I just need someone to talk with me, please.”
The receptionist dialled a number and called for someone named “Dr.Lenn”. Dr.Lenn was a clinical psychologist and had been treating since the last 6 years. In his six years journey, he has witnessed many kinds of patients with various kinds of disorders. One of his patients was Samantha.
Dr.Lenn– Yes, I am here to help you. Come to my cabin.
Samantha looked at Dr Lenn and pursed her lips. She opened her specs and walked with long steps. Her brown Gucci bag dangled beside her, her hands constantly rubbing her face, she was sweating inside the air-conditioned chamber. Finally, she walked inside Dr.Lenn’s cabin and sat down in the chair near her. Her eyes constantly looking for something, searching constantly! Dr.Lenn came and sat in front of her, he offered her water.
Inside Dr.Lenn’s cabin–
Samantha– Umm..Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I am thirsty, very thirsty. But hey, do you have cold water??
Dr.Lenn called up and asked for a glass of cold water.
Dr.Lenn– So, are you always so neat and tidy? With hair tied properly and proper ironed dress!
Samantha– I need to say something else. Can you listen to me?
Dr.Lenn- Yeah sure, please speak….(Before he could finish, Samantha said)
Samantha– Yes,so, my name is Samantha, Samantha Dorkis. I am from New York, I have come to America to pursue my degree in Media Studies. I am 24 years old and I had almost 4 boyfriends till now. Out of them, three were useless and the last one turned out to be a complete turning point.
I love him, I love him like I love my eyes, I feel for him like I feel for my own family. I can sacrifice my smile for him, and I did that. Trust me, I am touching this book and saying I did sacrifice my smile for him. He respected it and promised me not to hurt again. But he is not the problem! My problem is my mind. I can’t forget certain things. Can you please tell me why I keep falling for this unknown fear?
(A sudden knock at the door. The man came with the glass of cold water).
She drank the water and kept the glass back in place.
Dr.Lenn– Please continue.
Samantha– Yes, yes. I tried to continue you know, I tried to continue my happy face behaviour, but failed. Why?? I mean, I don’t want to remember them, still why those things haunts me everyday! I am human, but I don’t know how it feels to be a satisfied and happy human.
Dr.Lenn– Satisfaction is impossible if you search for it like a thirsty goat. Calm yourself down, speak whatever is there in your mind. Just speak. Nobody is here to stop you.
Samantha– You know what, I feel like something inside my head someone is constantly controlling things. What is it I am absolutely clueless! I feel like, I will die out of this. But death is the thing I fear the most. I fear crossing roads, falling down while climbing the stairs, I feel like the cars would hit me and I would die a painful death. I fear to love him, I fear if I love him hard all over again he would again take advantage of my trust. Dr.Lenn, you know what, my fear of getting accolades for doing well in my office also scribes my mind.
Samantha took a long pause, held her hands tightly and rubbed her face. She was crying, her eyes couldn’t stop the tears from coming out.
This is an extract from the pages of an abandoned diary I got last week. I am sorry, the diary had this much information only. I hope, wherever she is now, she has or I pray for her that she completely recovers from her problem. The fear of falling and failing and unsaid emotions are really scary. Only the one who suffers knows how painful it is. Amen.