I Found Myself Trying to Find My Own Personal Meaning of Love
Whilst scrolling through Facebook, I came across an opportunity to write an article about love. It seemed like a gift from heaven considering I now spend most of my nights at home waiting to give pain relief to my eldest and hoping that my youngest doesn’t sleepwalk again. This small essay seemed like a good way to take my mind of things but as easy as it sounds, I found myself trying to find my own personal meaning of love. Is it staying awake for 3 days solid because your daughter is in pain? Is it sitting with your dad watching those boring DIY programmers because he needs you to be there? Is it picking your nephew up from nursery because no-one is available? I’m not sure that is love; I know I would do these things for a stranger if I had the time. It is in my nature to help when I can, after all I became a volunteer for the student union to help those that need it and I can’t exactly say that I loved them. [ Read: Falling Out of Love and Why It Happens to You ]
I couldn’t think of a single set of words to explain love either. Love is an emotion which can be positive or negative. For example, your first love or first born (positive reaction to love) first break up, first death of a loved one (negative response) Love can be happy, overwhelming, sad or heart-breaking. It can make you laugh or cry; it can make you want to shout out to the world or hide away from it. For me, it seems to have me doing all the above to the point I sometimes wonder if I have lost the plot. Have you ever tried explaining to a child that you shouted because you love them and you were scared they were going to get run over because they ran out into the road? Remember the expression of shock and confusion on their face while you are frantically shouting and hugging them at the same time? I am now 35 and if I was silly enough to run out in the road and someone responded the way I react to my children, I would think they were insane and get as far away from them as I could. Children take on the strange and wonderful a lot easier than we do as adults. They do things without question, without thinking or without worrying but because someone needs them to do it. Just like a child learns to understand that your crazy, irrational behavior is because you love them and you were scared they would get hurt. [ Read: How to Apologize and Say Sorry to a Lover ]
While thinking about love, I had floods of memories regarding my youngest who has shown me the meaning of love on many occasions. The most recent one involved her reaction to my eldest daughter Helena. Helena started with hip pain last October, after a long, hard battle with the Drs She was diagnosed with an Osteoblastoma in the L4 region of her spine (a benign tumour). She was restricted to very little activity and has spent a lot of time admitted in hospitals. My dad was also admitted around the same time and my youngest repeatedly got sent to my sisters while I stayed with my eldest in hospital. [ Read: Compatibility in Love and Relationships ]
I spent days sometimes weeks missing Emily so much but I knew that Helena needed me to stay with her so I did. After Helena’s first operation, she had an outpatient’s appointment for a check-up, I knew Emily was worried that Helena would be admitted again so I brought her with us to reassure her. The appointment went well and Helena was told that she could resume her normal activities. As we were walking out of the building, Helena pushed open the fire exit doors without hesitation and ran over to the grass. I remember her vaguely looking like a dog chasing its tail as she ran round and round in circles, laughing.
Then Emily turned to me and said she might get into trouble (fire doors are meant for emergencies), then darted off in the same fashion and joined in with this rather strange idea of fun. I hadn’t seen the girls running around together since October and it was April and I stood there, frozen to the spot, tears streaming down my face and grinning like a Cheshire cat. I could see my youngest was getting tired but she refused to stop and both girls carried on running in circles, laughing so much for an hour or so. When they eventually came over I asked Emily “why did you run out if you thought it was wrong and Helena would get into trouble?” Her reply was simple and straight to the point “because I love her” I went on to ask “what if you had got into trouble?” and Emily replied “Mummy. I love her and I heard her laughing. Nothing else mattered” and that is exactly what love is. Love of a child, love of a career, love of a football team; all different examples of love but for those people who claim man us is their bible regardless of a win or a loss, those parents who give their life for their children no matter what they sacrificed, the people who do 70 hour weeks because they live for their work…..it is the same response. [ Read: Feeling Of Falling In Love With My Best Friend – Story ]
I love it/them and nothing else matters and if that means that my current situation has me spending sleepless nights with my daughter in pain, taking time out for quality time with my youngest, numerous hours watching DIY with my dad and helping my sister with her son then I will. Not because it is in my nature, not because I have to. Simply because I love them and nothing else matters.